Do your kids spend time on line? Do they instant message (IM), chat, surf websites? If they IM, do you know the people they chat with?
Instant messaging is a great way to communicate – it is quick and allows for a real time conversation via our computers. But, it is a step removed from true conversation so the “real” part is a bit diluted. My friends and family use IM to swap ideas quickly and confirm social engagements. But, our daughter and her friends have true conversations via IM. So far, she only IMs with people we know. How can we be sure? We check the log. We actually download the IM log regularly, go through it and if there is a screen name we don’t recognize we ask our daughter about it. You may think that our daughter would be angry with us for violating her privacy but not so. She’s 13 and this has been the rule since we allowed her to venture online. And, she knows the consequences if she violates the rule: out goes the computer and off goes the cell phone.
Speaking of cell phones, you may be interested to know we don’t allow texting. Don’t even have the service. The thought of her having that ability so young just worries us and does open the door to her chatting with people we don’t know. We just don't see the need for a young teen to be so connected to cyberspace so we keep all nonessential features off. We are very realistic that at her age, the temptation to use those features is just too great and, unlike the home computer, we are not around her all the times she uses her cell phone. Paranoid? This email sent to me by a friend may change your mind. Before you read this, though, you should know this tale is likely fiction but considered worthwhile by most parents and police who have read it due to the point it makes. In fact, this was sent to me by a police Chief's wife.
Here's the email story I received:
“After tossing her books on the sofa, Shannon decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213:
Hi. I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123:
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?
Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213:
Of course I do. LOL I guess it was my imagination cuz' I didn't see anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123:
Un less you gave your name out on-line. You haven't done that have you?
ByAngel213:
Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
GoTo123:
Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213:
Yes and we won!!
GoTo123:
That's great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213:
We played the Hornets. LOL. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees. LOL
GoTo123:
What is your team called?
ByAngel213:
We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really cool.
GoTo1 23:
Did you pitch?
ByAngel213:
No. I play second base. I got to go. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye!
GoTo123:
Catch you later. Bye
Meanwhile....... GoTo123 went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up, he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far
Her name: Shannon
Birthday: J an. 3, 1985
Age: 13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall. Besides this information, he knew she lived in Canton because she had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 p.m. every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team, and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the eighth grade at the Canton Junior High School . She had told him all this in the conversations they had on- line. He had enough information to find her now.
Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ballpark that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always overreacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not an only child. Mayb e if she had brothers and sisters, her parents wouldn't be so overprotective.
By Thursday, Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her.
Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely.
He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the sudden fear she had felt.
After the game, he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on the back of her shirt. He knew he had found her.
Quietly, he walked a safe distance behind her. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home, and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.
Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bit e to eat until the time came to go to Shannon 's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.
Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.
'Shannon, come here,' her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.
'Sit down,' her father began, 'this man has just told us a most interesting story about you.'
Shannon sat back. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!
'Do y o u know who I am, Shannon ?' the man asked.
'No,' Shannon answered.
'I am a police officer and your online friend, GoTo123.'
Shannon was stunned. 'That's impossible! GoTo is a kid my age! He's 14. And he lives in Michigan !'
The man smiled.
Shannon was stunned. 'You mean you don't live in Michigan ?'
He laughed. 'No, I l iv e in Raleigh . It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?'
She nodded.
'I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?'"
I’ve shown this to a few people and they always have the same reaction – stunned silence. Talk about a wake-up call for all of us. The truth is, the only way we can truly protect our kids is to be active in their lives, on and off line. And, to talk to them honestly about the dangers of internet use if they are old enough to use the internet independently.
This vignette also raises other issues about teen life today. Today’s world is very different than the world we were raised in. Many of us walked to school while in elementary school. We can’t let our kids do that today. Same with middle school. We have to be more careful. The online world has opened a gateway to some dangers we just didn't have as kids. It is not being paranoid or an alarmist to take extra precautions when the dangers are out there. I'd call it being practical and a realist. We have to live in the world we have and today's world, sadly, has some issues that put our kids in harm's way. So, it may be we all have to take a moment or two extra out of our day to drive our child somewhere where even thought it seems silly because of how close to home that place is or our child's age. Perhaps we have to just enforce a better buddy system with our kids. Some parents and I do that with my daughter and her friends whenever they want to walk somewhere in our neighborhood. This gives them some freedom but all of us peace of mind that none of them are alone.
But, back to online safety. This vignette is a great way to help you talk to your kids about the dangers they could face online. This is a very tangible group and they learn better through stories and experiences of other kids their age. Hopefully this story will spark conversation, if not at that moment than over time. Some kids need some time to digest a story as intense as this one.
After reading this vignette with your child, here are some talking points you can use to prompt discussion:
1. Do you ever “chat” with people on line who you don’t know from school or an after school group?
2. What kinds of identifying information have you given out online?
3. What did this make you think about?
4. Has this sort of situation ever happened to anyone you know?
5. If someone every contacted you by IM that you don’t know, what would you do?
You can say something along the lines of: “We have no problems with you IM’ing people you know but we want you to be safe. Let’s make a promise that you’ll only IM people you know, OK? Can you do that? And, if someone you don't know contacts you by IM, can you let us know immediately?” Hopefully, your child will say “yes” after reading this vignette! If not, gently probe about the hesitation.
Another great way to spark conversation is during times your tween or teen is using the computer. Ask questions such as “who were you talking with just now?” or “that was a cool looking site. What was it about?” If nothing else, it will reinforce to your child that you are watching and noticing. Sometimes that is the only way we can show our kids were are there if they need them.
Finally, use the computer to reinforce what we are talking about today. Go on a "internet safety" information hunt and check out these sites with your inquiring teen or tween:
FEMA: online safety rules for kids
Get NetWise Safety Tips for Kids (covers all age groups)
A parents guide to online Lingo That Teens Use
Here's to safe surfing and a safe spring!
