A Dose of Dr. Gwenn

Do your kids spend time on line? Do they instant message (IM), chat, surf websites? If they IM, do you know the people they chat with?

Instant messaging is a great way to communicate – it is quick and allows for a real time conversation via our computers. But, it is a step removed from true conversation so the “real” part is a bit diluted. My friends and family use IM to swap ideas quickly and confirm social engagements. But, our daughter and her friends have true conversations via IM. So far, she only IMs with people we know. How can we be sure? We check the log. We actually download the IM log regularly, go through it and if there is a screen name we don’t recognize we ask our daughter about it. You may think that our daughter would be angry with us for violating her privacy but not so. She’s 13 and this has been the rule since we allowed her to venture online. And, she knows the consequences if she violates the rule: out goes the computer and off goes the cell phone.

Speaking of cell phones, you may be interested to know we don’t allow texting. Don’t even have the service. The thought of her having that ability so young just worries us and does open the door to her chatting with people we don’t know. We just don't see the need for a young teen to be so connected to cyberspace so we keep all nonessential features off. We are very realistic that at her age, the temptation to use those features is just too great and, unlike the home computer, we are not around her all the times she uses her cell phone. Paranoid? This email sent to me by a friend may change your mind. Before you read this, though, you should know this tale is likely fiction but considered worthwhile by most parents and police who have read it due to the point it makes. In fact, this was sent to me by a police Chief's wife.

Here's the email story I received:

“After tossing her books on the sofa, Shannon decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:

'I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on-line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there on-line. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again. Tell others about this so they will be safe too?'"

I’ve shown this to a few people and they always have the same reaction – stunned silence. Talk about a wake-up call for all of us. The truth is, the only way we can truly protect our kids is to be active in their lives, on and off line. And, to talk to them honestly about the dangers of internet use if they are old enough to use the internet independently.

This vignette also raises other issues about teen life today. Today’s world is very different than the world we were raised in. Many of us walked to school while in elementary school. We can’t let our kids do that today. Same with middle school. We have to be more careful. The online world has opened a gateway to some dangers we just didn't have as kids. It is not being paranoid or an alarmist to take extra precautions when the dangers are out there. I'd call it being practical and a realist. We have to live in the world we have and today's world, sadly, has some issues that put our kids in harm's way. So, it may be we all have to take a moment or two extra out of our day to drive our child somewhere where even thought it seems silly because of how close to home that place is or our child's age. Perhaps we have to just enforce a better buddy system with our kids. Some parents and I do that with my daughter and her friends whenever they want to walk somewhere in our neighborhood. This gives them some freedom but all of us peace of mind that none of them are alone.

But, back to online safety. This vignette is a great way to help you talk to your kids about the dangers they could face online. This is a very tangible group and they learn better through stories and experiences of other kids their age. Hopefully this story will spark conversation, if not at that moment than over time. Some kids need some time to digest a story as intense as this one.

After reading this vignette with your child, here are some talking points you can use to prompt discussion:

1. Do you ever “chat” with people on line who you don’t know from school or an after school group?
2. What kinds of identifying information have you given out online?
3. What did this make you think about?
4. Has this sort of situation ever happened to anyone you know?
5. If someone every contacted you by IM that you don’t know, what would you do?

You can say something along the lines of: “We have no problems with you IM’ing people you know but we want you to be safe. Let’s make a promise that you’ll only IM people you know, OK? Can you do that? And, if someone you don't know contacts you by IM, can you let us know immediately?” Hopefully, your child will say “yes” after reading this vignette! If not, gently probe about the hesitation.

Another great way to spark conversation is during times your tween or teen is using the computer. Ask questions such as “who were you talking with just now?” or “that was a cool looking site. What was it about?” If nothing else, it will reinforce to your child that you are watching and noticing. Sometimes that is the only way we can show our kids were are there if they need them.

Finally, use the computer to reinforce what we are talking about today. Go on a "internet safety" information hunt and check out these sites with your inquiring teen or tween:

FEMA: online safety rules for kids
Get NetWise Safety Tips for Kids (covers all age groups)
A parents guide to online Lingo That Teens Use

Here's to safe surfing and a safe spring!

My kids’ spring school vacation this year fell during TV Turn Off Week. I figured this would be a snap with the change in routine and the excitement of exploring new locales. I anticipated happily tired kids falling asleep at the end of each day before they even remembered we had a TV in our hotel room. Even without an “official” no TV week, vacations are low TV times for us – we’re just too much on the go.

However, I quickly faced one huge hurdle I didn’t quite anticipate: we were visiting The Big Apple – the city that never sleeps and that has a screen of some sort on just about everywhere you go: hotel lobbies, elevators, restaurants, bars, museums, Times Square, and even taxi cabs. Talk about TV tube over load complete with an instant failure of our attempt at TV Turn Off Week. My only solace was that none of us actually hit the “on” for those bigger than life screens.

With TVs also now available in refrigerators and cars, we do honestly have to ask ourselves when this will end, especially knowing the plethora of studies citing the risks to our kids and our society for too much tube time. And, that is what we are talking about: too much.

Kids who watch too much tv are at risk for obesity, inattention and even behavioral issues. And, a recent study in Pediatrics actually showed that teens without TVs in their bedrooms were healthier. They moved more, ate healthier foods and spent more time with their families.

But it is not just kids that fare better with less TV and technology. Adults do, too. I recently learned of a very creative day called “Shutdown Day”. Such a brilliant concept: be plugged in less and get outside to interact with the world more.

We all should be doing that a great deal more - unplugging. I often wonder if we emailed less and talked more, would we be better off and I have a feeling the answer would be yes. And, I can say that without citing a study and just by looking a what my life was like pre and post the email craze.

It may take time to niche away at the societal issues of being overly plugged in and with TVs at every turn, but you can do something about your own family's little piece of the world. Since returning from NYC, I've been reciting this to myself:

Spring has sprung; the grass has riz; I wonder where all the family time is??

Family time should be active and outside this time of year and not passive and in front of a tube. So, unplug your family and get everyone out on the same grassy field with some balls and just see what happens. One more thing - leave your cell phones in the car. This is a completely unplugged family experience - I have a feeling the first of many once you see how incredibly bonding with your kids like this can be!